sometimes i'm not sure how i handle this. the drugs do make a significant difference, and i'm very fortunate that, as of yet, i have not been forced to take anything too terribly potent (e.g., narcotics).
not to delve too much back into the psychology of back pain, but a significant part of my identity was bound up in doing stuff, especially being physically active. i am a surfer who doesn't surf any more. i was a mountain biker who doesn't do that anymore. i was a soccer player who can't run anymore. i can feel myself getting out of shape and see my body changing in the mirror. which really sucks!
even beyond the recreational side, there was always a thought that, if i needed to, i could work construction, or work on a farm or a ranch or something. something real aside from pushing paper at a desk job. but now, i don't know if i could do any of those things. if i had to maintain a piece of land in order to support myself or my family, i'm not sure that i could do it. and that thought -- of knowing that one's own strength could be very limited indeed -- is extremely disconcerting and humbling.
i have also always considered myself very independent and self-sufficient. and now i find myself more dependent on people. for instance, i've contemplated moving out of my apartment, but the idea is horrifying because there is no way i could even think about doing it alone. i would have to hire a professional mover or have friends help me out. and i hate the idea of not being able to move myself or even do any heavy lifting. i hate feeling helpless. the whole experience makes me feel less of a man. i think about the horse that has broken down and can't do any work any more. do you take the horse out back behind the barn and shoot it? if so, then what does that mean for me...?
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